It's time once again to



A s k   D r .   C o m p u t e r   S c i e n c e !



So let's ask Dr. Computer Science {That's me}  Remember, he knows more than

you do {That's right!}



(By Steve King (formerly, HEINEKEN@MTUS5 before he moved to where there is

no sign of a BITNet node), with apologies to Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre

and National Public Radio.)





Dear Dr. Computer Science, Why won't my program run?

Programs Running.  That's all I ever hear anymore.  Whatever happened to

     the good old days when programs just WALKED, like the rest of us?  But

     NO, in today's world of high-speed, multiple megahertz processors, all

     programs are expected to RUN everywhere!  Has it ever occured to you

     that your program is just plain tired of running?  That maybe it would

     rather walk for a change, or, at least, ride the address bus to where

     it's going?  Have a heart!  Let your programs slow down to take time

     to smell the roses!  And, if you MUST make them run once in a while,

     at least buy them a comfortable pair of running shoes.



Dear Dr. Computer Science, I was running a program on the mainframe, when

     all of the sudden my terminal locked up.  What do I do?

The term locked up comes from the fact that the little gnomes inside the

     terminal get tired of working and lock the terminal so you can't get

     any more data into it.  The only solution is to break in with a

     lockpick or with the services of a good locksmith.  Either that, or to

     give the terminal a good swift kick.  Gnomes can't stand to be kicked

     around, and they will eventually unlock the terminal for you, just to

     avoid this unpleasentness.  In fact, there's no computer problem in

     the world that a good, swift kick can't handle.



Dear Dr. Computer Science, When I unpacked my new PC, I found a book labled

     MS-DOS.  Where are the MS-DON'TS?

There aren't any.  Microsoft made a perfect operating system.  It can do

     anything.  Hence, the only book they include is MS-DOS, a list of

     some of the things it can do.  If you want a limited operating system

     that has enough "don'ts" to warrent an entire book devoted to them, I

     suggest you buy a Macintosh instead.



Dear Dr. Computer Science, What does a word processor do?

Are you familiar with the way a food processor slices, dieces, and makes

     julienne frys out of ordinary food?  Well, a word processor does the

     same thing with WORDS.  Yessirree, just drop any old word you want

     into a word processor and it will come out sliced up any which way.

     Drop an entire sentence in, and out comes hash!  Mmmm, mmmm good!  So,

     next time someone tells you to "eat your words", just pull out your

     handy word processor and settle down for a delightful meal.



Dear Dr. Computer Science, how do I get a printout?

Many mail-order houses, such as Sears, JC Penny, and L.L. Bean now sell

     printouts at quite reasonable prices.  To get a printout, simplely

     drop any of these places a check, and they'll send you a printout by

     way of return mail.



Dear Dr. Computer Science, How do I turn my computer on?

Many people write to ask me this, but I can't for the life of me figure out

     why.  Who would want to turn a computer on?  But, since so many are

     interested in it, I'll answer your question.  To turn a computer on,

     try blowing in it's ear.  Whisper sweet nothings to it while you run

     your hand up it's leg.  Tell it you love it.  I'm sure this will turn

     your computer on.  Why shouldn't it?  It always turns me on!



Dear Dr. Computer Science, I turned my computer on.  Now what?

What am I, the Playboy Advisor or something?  Just play it by ear, I'm sure

     it will come naturally to you!  Just keep in mind which are the male

     and which are the female connectors and you'll have no problem.  But,

     remember, you never know about all the computer viruses in this day

     and age.  Play it safe, and always wear a write-protect tab!



Dear Dr. Computer Science, Why does a Macintosh look like a toaster?

Because, it is one.  Macintoshes were origionally designed to be toasters

     for those little cocktail breads.  Because coctail bread, especially

     rye cocktail bread, is so hard to toast, a computer controled toaster

     had to be developed.  The result is the Apple Macintosh.  The 3.5"

     drive is really the slot you put the toast in.  The contrast control

     doesn't do anything for the screen, but it DOES determine how light or

     dark the toast will be.  It's interesting to note that the

     microprocessor actually produces so much heat that the traditional

     toaster heating element could be removed altogether.  Go to any high-

     society party and poke around in the kitchen.  I'm sure you'll see a

     whole legion of Macintoshes toasting up an entire bakery of cocktail

     bread!



Dear Dr. Computer Science Why can't I run an IBM PC program on my school's

     IBM mainframe?  If they're both made by IBM, they should be able to

     run the same programs, right?

Absolutely right.  IBM PCs and IBM mainframes can indeed run the same

     programs.  However, you'll never see a PC program running on a

     mainframe for the simple reason that the mainframe considers PC

     programs to be beneath its dignity.  It's kind of like asking the

     president of General motors to wash dishes for a while in Joe's Diner.

     It's just not going to happen!  On the other hand, PCs would love to

     run mainframe programs, but no one can seem to figure out how to get

     one of those big fixed disks into the PC's floppy drive.  Once that

     happens, though, the bloodless revolution will come, and we will see

     the emergence of a classless, Marxist computer society.  Whether

     that's good or bad, I don't know.  I'm a computer scientist; I don't

     need to understand politics.



Dear Dr. Computer Science, I just erased a program off my disk.  How can I

     get it back?

It depends on why you erased it.  Programs have very delicate egos, and

     once you hurt them, it's very hard to get them to come back to you.

     If you erased it because you thought you didn't need it anymore,

     you've got the best chance to get it back.  Programs, like people,

     need to be needed.  Talk to it nicely and convince it that you still

     need it.  If you erased the program out of sheer negligence, you've

     got about a fifty-fifty chance to get it back.  You've hurt its

     feelings, and it probably thinks it can do better elsewhere.  And,

     it's probably right!  There is nothign worse than someone who erases a

     program without even realizing what they're doing!  But, if you erased

     the program because you found another program, forget it.  The first

     program will never come back.  Programs are very jealous and, once

     jilted, are lost forever.  Remember:  "If you love a program, erase

     it.  If it comes back, it's yours forever.  If not, you feel like a

     real idiot."



Thank you, Dr. Computer Science!  Send your computer science questions to

Ask Dr. Computer Science.  Remember, he's not a real doctor! {I have a

Master's degree.}  In Computer Science!