[Compiler's notes:  I do this one to people.  If you want to try, you HAVE
to practice first, delivering with a dead-pan style, just as an answering
machine would.  And, *I* at least have to have a script.  I find trying to
repeate it from memory AND keep a straight tone of voice (i.e., not cracking
up!) is very difficult.  One one occasion when delivering it, I managed to
make the person on the other end of the line to actually LAUGH then HANG UP
on me, thinking I was the answering machine!  I also suggest you do this only
if you have caller ID, or if you really don't care what people think of you.
I also suggest, should you have friends like mine, hold the phone away from
your ear when doing the first line...when they start pounding the '1' key,
it gets pretty loud. 8)

Also, this is an "extended" version of the message, I received lately.  I
don't know who the origional author/source was, nor who extended it.  You
may find the entire message too much to deliver... -njh]

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Re:   Answering Machine message at the Mental Health Institute
 
 
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.  Stay on the
     line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and you will be transferred to the
     Mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
     you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
     no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
     date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please, please leave a message after the
     beep or before the beep,  Or after the beep,  Please wait for the beep.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
     000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up.  All our operators are too
     busy to talk to you.